Unrequited Love
Most often when we hear of unrequited love, we think of the erotic variety. Someone finds another to be sexually attractive and perhaps some social connection is made, but at some point in the seemingly developing relationship, the pursuer discovers that the pursued has no intention of consummation the pursuer finds his or her hopes dashed.
While this is perhaps the quickest to mind when we think of unrequited love, the other kinds of love we know might also be unrequited. Think of love in the family situation. Parents, because of their experience, may seek to guide their children in a certain direction and the children, in their desire for autonomy and independence (which, by the way, are entirely healthy), reject their parents' expression of love and choose to go their own way.
The most painful examples of this are those in which we find young people who are provided with appropriate means to find fulfillment through their family situation rejecting that for a life of debauchery or crime, which clearly breaks the parents’ hearts.
Even the love of friendship may be unrequited. A friend finds an opportunity that he thinks would be just perfect for you and after assessing the situation, you decide not to pursue it. This could be for a variety of reasons. It might be that you aren’t as convinced this is as good a thing as your friend is. It could be that you just don’t want to feel obligated – you don’t want to feel you owe your friend. So it is just easier to not accept the help offered.
When we think of the most noble of the loves, agape love or self-sacrificing love, human examples are a little hard to come by so we’ll think about God, who is the greatest victim of unrequited love in the universe. He has repeatedly demonstrated His love toward His human creatures and they have repeatedly rejected Him.
Humanly speaking, we know the deep pain associated with going out on a limb and expressing love without any assurance of its being returned. It is always easy to respond to an expression of love. It takes much more courage to initiate one. When we tell someone “I love you,” and they don’t respond with “I love you, too,” it is hurtful.
If you say “I love you,” and they say “I know,” that is one thing. If you say “I love you,” and they say, “Thank you,” that is another kind of a situation. At least the door remains open. Perhaps though, you say, “I love you,” and they say, “I can never love you like you love me.” That level of rejection is sharply painful. It is what God receives from many people, sometimes including those who have already received His love.
Because God’s love is such a continuous pouring out, that some of us have fallen into the trap of believing that God doesn’t really require a love response from us, He just wants obedience. As a husband and father, elder and employer I know that it is entirely possible to get superficial cooperation without any kind of affection. In fact, perhaps that is one of the cruelest things that can happen. We find outward conformity to the stated expectations, but search in vain for inner warmth to bring life to the relationship.
Sometimes, those who are already believers fall into this trap with God. We push Him away emotionally, we might say. We obey “the rules” (whatever we conceive “the rules” to be) but we lack a warm vital relationship with Him. But that is precisely what He is looking for from us.
While mere superficial obedience is not wrong, it misses the mark. Beyond that, it is, in a sense, throwing God’s love back at Him. In effect, we say, “I accept everything you have for me, God. Now, here are the limitations of what I will give to you.”
If you feel the stab of pain that comes from unrequited love in your own life, remember that you are in good company. God Himself knows the pain of loving in vain.
Ron Hughes
© February 2007
* not reciprocated or returned in kind
